I went to a friend's wedding
this weekend. Because I have been having some "relationship trouble"
I decided against bringing a date (wasn't sure I wanted to make my friend
feed an extra mouth). The fact that my friend, Lance - not gay, though
his name alone might suggest otherwise - was also planning to attend
alone sealed the deal. We decided to attend together as a couple of
swinging bachelors. This, it turns out, was a pretty bad idea.
We shared a rental car - a cherry red mustang (not our faults, as it
was a rental car but nothing screams "we have serious questions regarding
our own sexuality" than a cherry red mustang) - and a hotel room. Lance
even suggested giving one card and gift between us, in an effort to
jokingly point to a conclusion that we were already fearing others were
reaching in respect to our (alleged) relationship. I think Lance's "joke"
was yet another crypto-homophobic gesture to deflect attention away
from us by passionately embracing the possibility of a homosexual relationship
between us. But that's just me.
And it gets worse. After severe rental car trouble, Lance and I were
running desperately late to the wedding and decided to bypass the hotel
in which we were staying and head directly for the wedding ceremony
in our street clothes. That plan was foiled by a gross underestimation
on the part of myself about the time it would take to make it to the
ceremony by car. Having passed our hotel 20 minutes ago and realizing
we were missing the ceremony anyway, we thought we should try to conserve
as much time as possible. But how would we do that? The reception was
taking place approximately 10 minutes from where our car was pulled
over for a wedding-crisis summit; the hotel was approximately 25 minutes
back in the opposite direction. We came up with this plan: we would
check into a motel (there were plenty littered across the main drag
where we were sitting, in our cherry-red Repressed Homosexual Turbo
sports car) and ask the desk clerk if we could just use a room briefly,
for purposes of showering, shaving and suiting up, all at a pro-rated
room rental fare. This required me leaving Lance in the car while I
hassled desk clerk after desk clerk, begging each one to let Lance and
myself "use a room - just for about an hour" so we could "shower and
get cleaned off". Needless to say, this kind of request did not bode
well for us. At one motel, even as we pulled up we saw a front desk
helper racing to the roadside motel sign to adhere a large "NO" sign
in front of the "VACANCY" sign facing oncoming traffic. Lance and I
bolted back to our normal hotel room, did what we had to do (shut up!),
and raced back to wedding, arriving approximately 2 hours late and looking
very out of sorts in our matching New Media Blue dress shirts. Allegations
flew faster than two late wedding guests up interstate 87. I felt like
I was being indicted even as a casually crossed my legs at the dinner
table or took another grateful sip from my Pink Lady.
people are very provincial. And some people seem really, really gay.
these words © 1999 todd levin.