exhibit e

I generally do not attract homosexual men. For instance, if I'm out with friends and we're drinking at one of our favorite gay bars (many straight men enjoy spending time in gay bars because the bathrooms are always very clean - everyone knows this!) I can almost guarantee that I will be passed over. 99.99999% of me doesn't care about this -- if I were hit on by another man, it would just create an uncomfortable moment between us that would probably be pretty unpleasant for both of us - but there is that tiny bit of me that feels sort of slighted. I get into a "hey, what's wrong with me?" head, wondering what I would need to do to be more attractive to other men. I don't really work out, and sometimes I think that's part of the problem.

Truthfully, I think even the most homophobic man on the planet, if he were told by a gay man, "sorry…you simply don't do it for me," would probably say something like, "GOOD!!!! That's real good, faggot, 'cause this ass is one way, if you catch my drift!!! And when I say 'one way', I'm referring to the manner in which things move out through my ass, rather than in. I Just want to avoid any confusion about that comment because I realize I left out some of the particulars initially." But even if he had the satisfaction of whipping out that pithy retort, somewhere in the back of his boiling, angry brain would be this nagging little thought: "Maybe I should start wearing more fitted slacks."

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all these words © 1999 todd levin.