'I REMEMBER BEING BORN;
AND THEN THE TROUBLE BEGAN.'

In any personal web site, the section I read first is the one with all the personal information - the "about" section. Not coincidentally, it's also my least favorite section to compose, and for all the same reasons I love to read that kind of information on other people's sites. I am real (as far as I can tell) and I like to know that other individuals who choose to hoist themselves online are also real. I like catching details of other people's bedrooms in the backgrounds of photos. I like knowing their zodiac signs, and hearing about how much they think Vertical Horizon rocks it. But sharing my own friends, or my not-so-secret love for Vertical Horizon and The Onion and Google.com? It terrifies me.

I had considered placing something smug and nonsensical (in the style of 'wacky' - where crazy, inconceiveable personal details are included, written in some hackneyed, referential media byline style) but then it occurred to me that I'm not even clever enough to make that a useful exercise. Then I considered cutting myself and smearing the blood across my computer screen but I think that might not successfully reach everyone. That said, here is a small shitheap of true and personal such and sundry.

THE VERY NEUROTIC ME
If I were you, before becoming too distracted, I would click here to make your way through an abridged tour of my own personal history of neuroses. It may leave you feeling sick - that feeling is perfectly normal. I experienced it the entire time I composed this section.

THE HARPER'S INDEX OF ME
If anxiety spooks you, you might enjoy this short personal timeline. I hope it includes enough information to make you feel slightly more intimate with me, without causing you to experience the impulse to wash your hands or have your eyes put out that is generally associated with becoming my intimate.