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NO SPELL-CHECK SINCE JUNE, 2001.
Lately, I am trying to remain open to old things; I hope you are, too. (I've hand-selected some older pieces from the tremble archives. If you think I've made any egregious oversights resulting in your favorite story gone missing, let me know and I'll see what I can do.)
HOW TO PROMOTE A SUCCESSFUL FLASH MOB.
"Head over to the Dutch Masters, or wend your way toward the Phoenician pottery. Study the detailed hands on that John Singer Sargent portrait. And don't just run through a gallery, checking the paintings' placards and announcing out loud, 'Yup. Modigliani – just as I suspected.'"
HOW TO ACCESSORIZE FOR LONELINESS.
"exchanging money for Chapstick or some batteries for
a transistor radio is a reminder that they're in touch with people,
with the world."
HOW TO TALK TO DOGS.
"No, I didn't pick this sweater out myself."
HOW TO ENJOY LIVE ROCK MUSIC.
"Yay for Mister Smoke -- a real american classic."
HOW TO LOSE A BIRD.
"there is very little repetition here; change is like oxygen.
makes you appreciate your neighbors -- even the schizophrenic
ones who pee in your elevator."
HOW TO DEAL WITH GHOST TROUBLES.
"I just figured, since I don't have a corporeal body, I really
shouldn't be paying quite as much for heat and hot water. I hope
you'll understand. By the way, I made profiterole -- help yourself!"
HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING.
"They say planning a wedding is the hardest thing you'll
ever have to do, next to assuming power of attorney over your
parents and forcing them into separate, but equally disreputable
nursing homes against their will."
HOW TO LIVE THROUGH RUSH HOUR..
"'Biggest fucking rat I ever saw.'"
HOW TO SUCCEED WITH A CAREER IN ADVERTISING.
"(A rhesus monkey with a pile of his own feces in one hand
and your product in the other, not sure which one he wants to
throw more.)"
HOW TO EVALUATE THE SENTIMENTAL WORTH OF WATER FOUNTAINS.
"People truly lived like savages before the advent of stainless
steel water fountains."
HOW TO BUILD WITH HEMP.
"Hemp fights cancer and hemp powered the Jarvic artificial
heart and hemp breathes an extraordinary life into even the most
flaccid and uninspired laser light shows."
HOW TO AVOID TROUBLE.
"The year before it was the Grand Canyon and some unpleasant
words exchanged with a Sioux Indian death squad in the parking
lot of a roadside T.J. Cinnabon's."
HOW TO OUTWIT STRANGERS.
"As I approached the laundromat, my mind wandered. I was
thinking about the repairs I needed to make on my cigarette boat
if I were to take it out safely this weekend."
HOW TO CELEBRATE YOUR MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.
"There was always an air of 'that's it?' in her response.
Or maybe it was the way she'd actually say, 'that's it?' that
created that particular air. Either way, there was an air."
HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR DREAMS, PART I.
"You look sad. Why don't I bring you a copy of 'Don't
Sweat the Small Stuff.' It's an excellent book and a can-do appetizer!"
HOW TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH JEWS.
"Together, we were the paragon of our Jewish ethnic culture.
The two of them argued incessantly, while I remained on Tickets
and Junior Mints duty."
HOW TO PICK THE PONIES.
"I was adorable, and I always went home with a dollar and
delight in the knowledge that I was a risk-shy fattie."
HOW TO GET REJECTED BY SKILLED PROFESSIONALS.
"'The Lighter Side of Spinal Menengitis?' For shame, Mr.
Levin. For shame."
HOW TO TURN 30.
"And, harder to explain, even to a licensed professional,
you are afraid you check your reflection because you think you
stopped existing approximately four years ago."
HOW TO ENJOY BURNING MAN.
"With a new leader in charge of Burning Man activities this
year, expectations were high. Did he deliver? Well, in the words
of Silkk The Shocker, 'Yeah, we bring it like two tons of dick
meat.'"
HOW TO SPEAK A LOT AND KNOW ONLY A LITTLE.
"After meat, dinner guests are presented with course number
three – root vegetables. Usually, a photograph of carrots
or beets will suffice. When presented with the photograph the
guest may proclaim, 'lovely', as is customary, then douse the
image in kerosene, ignite it on a clean dinner plate and, once
its ashes are removed from the table, doughnuts are served."
HOW TO EAT IT.
"Not sure where to look, and unable to see a single
person before him for reference, Levin did the next best thing:
he trained his head directly at the floor, looking up only occasionally,
whenever he was low on oxygen. The microphone itself presented
unresolved problems for the reader."
HOW TO LIVE COMFORTABLY WITH RACISM IN YOUR FAMILY.
"The lenses of her glasses were so thick the average
person could slip them on and see atoms smashing on the surface
of objects..."
HOW TO OBSESS.
" It's probably a misplaced feeling, but I became very sentimental
when someone would say 'Oh! I saw this documentary on pinheads
and thought of you!'"
HOW TO REMAIN HIDDEN.
"On Saturday I sat down to make a list. Making a list is
kind of like shorthand for having a nervous breakdown."
HOW TO DEAL WITH DANGEROUS CANINES THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
"Then one day the Dobermans disappeared."
HOW TO BEFRIEND THE HOMELESS.
"She had just moved here a few weeks before being struck
in the head with a brick by a shrieking homeless man and, when
asked about her feelings toward New York, she replied, 'I still
love this city and I never want to leave!' Then she lapsed into
a violent seizure, and a miniature replica of the Statue of Liberty
was shoved in her mouth to prevent her from swallowing her tongue."
HOW TO SEE BROOKLYN.
"Sure, this memory is entirely false, and if you closed your
eyes even harder concentrated for a moment you would remember
the real smells of your home kitchen - burned Pam no-stick spray
and frostbitten Eggos - but that is neither here nor
there. "
HOW TO DISTINGUISH THE REAL FROM THE 'REAL.'
"So the proprietors are happy enough, even if it means having
to hear Patsy Cline's "crazy" about 40 times a night. "
HOW TO APPRECIATE OTHER CULTURES' CUISINE.
"Since natto has so many medicinal and health advantages,
one might wonder why it isn't more popular. Why, in fact, isn't
natto eaten with every meal, regardless of national borders? Simple:
natto tastes like dog shit. "
HOW TO SURVIVE AFTER THE BUBBLE BURSTS.
"Pool balls cracked, co-workers pressed each other into nooks
for their first inappropriately timed kiss. "
HOW TO DIVIDE THE TERRITORIES WITH AN EYE TOWARD RACISM.
"Recently, as an experiment, I placed a map of the United States of America in front of my racist aunt, and asked her to tell me what she made of it. "
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