I spent a long year arranging words for clients
in exchange for money, and many of my clients operating within
the business of advertising. When writing ads, as in most creative
disciplines, one often discards more work than one submits it's
called "the process". Well, I wrote a lot of words for advertisers
and I discarded significantly more. It occurred to me, though,
that there are many products to advertise and there might be a
few ambitious but cash-poor advertisers reading this web site.
That's why I've decided to publish some of the advertising work
I did this year that never actually made it to the client. Often
it was because, even if the idea was Clio material (and it almost
always was, I assure you), it might not have been right for that
particular client or that specific campaign. However, I'm sure
there are products or services or entities out there for which
these ideas could be perfect, so I'm offering you the advertiser
these royalty-free advertising gems. Since I work with many blue
chip clients, I often have to sign Non-disclosure agreements which
prohibit me from discussing the nature of the work I do and, in
order to remain an ethical "resource" in this industry, I can't
include the names of the clients for which each of these ideas
was intended. Apologies. Nonetheless, they were all written for
highly profitable, well-dressed clients who often ride around
in first class and eat caviar sandwiches for lunch (And the GOOD
kind of caviar, too! Not that shitty stuff you get in gift baskets
from Hickory Farms.) and such, so you can feel confident that
in browsing through these ideas, you're essentially panning for
"Make it Cultured Enzyme Time Every Time!"
"Fits right inside your vagina for safekeeping."
"My Brother Can't Chew It -- I Guess that Makes
Me Better than Him!"
"The Good kind of poison."
(CU of dirigible, with name of competitor's brand
emblazoned on side of ship [this can be done with image-altering
tools, such as Photoshop, etc so there is no need to purchase
an actual dirigible, or even design a scale model and greenscreen
it. Most studios have this type of Forrest Gump magic available
in-house, so it's definitely possible]. As camera pulls out, we
discover this airship is The Hindenberg. It promptly bursts into
flames and comes crashing to the ground, amidst the sounds of
a news reporter screaming, "Oh the humanity!"
Cut to: Your brand name, in huge letters, on the
side of another dirigible. Hold for 15 seconds. No crash. No fires.
No screaming. Nothing. Just floating there. Euphorically.
Fade to: TITLE card. Beauty shot with tag. Hold
Cut back to: dirigible. Still floating. Hasn't crashed.
This is a salient moment for your target. Might want to hold for
another 14 minutes. There is no way this balloon is going to pop,
you know? The End.)
"Oh my God! I never thought I'd buy this."
(A rhesus monkey with a pile of his own feces in
one hand and your product in the other, not sure which one he
wants to throw more.)
"When a baby can't smell, a baby can't tell."
(Establishing shot:: snowy tundra, with lone man
Cut to: CU of man's face. He's freezing.
Cut to: CU of horse's face. Icicles collecting around
nostrils and corner of its mouth.
Cut to: CU of man. Thinks for a moment then eyes
flash down to his waist.
Cut to: CU of holstered pistol. Cut to: CU of man.
Eyes flash forward.
Cut to: CU of horse, panicked. Cut to: Top of Treeline.
Stillness. Gunshot is heard, followed by a death-cry. Then hold
for 2 seconds of silence and Fade.
Fade in: Camera falls on man, sprawled out on his
side, in the snow. We see him from the rear. Camera swings around
him slowly, revealing
Cut to: Horse, at peace, sleeping inside the man.
Cut to: Logo, displayed tastefully inside an image
of a dying, eviscerated man.)
"Putting Good People in Great Pain."
"Not your father's brain parasite."
"Now - 30% less racist!!"
(An image of a small glass vial of blood, with a
piece of white medical tape adhered to it. The tape label reads,
"Mr. T Positive". I haven't thought of a caption for this one
yet, but it certainly begs for one.)