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I spent a long year arranging words for clients in exchange for money, and many of my clients operating within the business of advertising. When writing ads, as in most creative disciplines, one often discards more work than one submits it's called "the process". Well, I wrote a lot of words for advertisers and I discarded significantly more. It occurred to me, though, that there are many products to advertise and there might be a few ambitious but cash-poor advertisers reading this web site. That's why I've decided to publish some of the advertising work I did this year that never actually made it to the client. Often it was because, even if the idea was Clio material (and it almost always was, I assure you), it might not have been right for that particular client or that specific campaign. However, I'm sure there are products or services or entities out there for which these ideas could be perfect, so I'm offering you the advertiser these royalty-free advertising gems. Since I work with many blue chip clients, I often have to sign Non-disclosure agreements which prohibit me from discussing the nature of the work I do and, in order to remain an ethical "resource" in this industry, I can't include the names of the clients for which each of these ideas was intended. Apologies. Nonetheless, they were all written for highly profitable, well-dressed clients who often ride around in first class and eat caviar sandwiches for lunch (And the GOOD kind of caviar, too! Not that shitty stuff you get in gift baskets from Hickory Farms.) and such, so you can feel confident that in browsing through these ideas, you're essentially panning for pure gold!


"Make it Cultured Enzyme Time Every Time!"


"Fits right inside your vagina for safekeeping."


"My Brother Can't Chew It -- I Guess that Makes Me Better than Him!"


"The Good kind of poison."


(CU of dirigible, with name of competitor's brand emblazoned on side of ship [this can be done with image-altering tools, such as Photoshop, etc so there is no need to purchase an actual dirigible, or even design a scale model and greenscreen it. Most studios have this type of Forrest Gump magic available in-house, so it's definitely possible]. As camera pulls out, we discover this airship is The Hindenberg. It promptly bursts into flames and comes crashing to the ground, amidst the sounds of a news reporter screaming, "Oh the humanity!"

Cut to: Your brand name, in huge letters, on the side of another dirigible. Hold for 15 seconds. No crash. No fires. No screaming. Nothing. Just floating there. Euphorically.

Fade to: TITLE card. Beauty shot with tag. Hold for 3.

Cut back to: dirigible. Still floating. Hasn't crashed. This is a salient moment for your target. Might want to hold for another 14 minutes. There is no way this balloon is going to pop, you know? The End.)


"Oh my God! I never thought I'd buy this."


(A rhesus monkey with a pile of his own feces in one hand and your product in the other, not sure which one he wants to throw more.)


"When a baby can't smell, a baby can't tell."


(Establishing shot:: snowy tundra, with lone man on horseback.

Cut to: CU of man's face. He's freezing.

Cut to: CU of horse's face. Icicles collecting around nostrils and corner of its mouth.

Cut to: CU of man. Thinks for a moment then eyes flash down to his waist.

Cut to: CU of holstered pistol. Cut to: CU of man. Eyes flash forward.

Cut to: CU of horse, panicked. Cut to: Top of Treeline. Stillness. Gunshot is heard, followed by a death-cry. Then hold for 2 seconds of silence and Fade.

Fade in: Camera falls on man, sprawled out on his side, in the snow. We see him from the rear. Camera swings around him slowly, revealing

Cut to: Horse, at peace, sleeping inside the man.

Cut to: Logo, displayed tastefully inside an image of a dying, eviscerated man.)


"Putting Good People in Great Pain."


"Not your father's brain parasite."


"Now - 30% less racist!!"


(An image of a small glass vial of blood, with a piece of white medical tape adhered to it. The tape label reads, "Mr. T Positive". I haven't thought of a caption for this one yet, but it certainly begs for one.)


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