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Today, I was trying to find evidence that I used to be funny, so I began paging through my Notebook of Genius™. For those unfamiliar with Notebooks of Genius, they're pocket-sized writing pads, usually of this variety, used by writers and comics and incredibly swift thinkers to record their thoughts and insure that other people in public spaces – people without a Notebook of Genius – are made to feel palpably aware of the difference between us (GENIUSES) and themselves. (SHEEP) It's pretty simple, when you think about it.

I keep a Notebook of Genius. I used to write original ideas in it; now I basically just write out my set list before doing a stand-up show, which means my NoG is filled with page after page of bulleted lists that look sort of like this:

  • Jewey
  • Gay people - why so gay?
  • Pineapples & Artichokes/God hates us
  • etc.

While flipping through my set lists and growing more and more ashamed of myself with each page – "Erosion Pornography"??? What's wrong with me? – I found this list I most likely scrawled out on the subway, while feeling very sick very early in the morning. The list is titled "NEW RULES" and those rules are as follows:

  • Meat only 3x / week
  • Less sugar
  • No more caffeine
  • Nothing fried, as often as possible
  • Dinner prepared at home 2-3 times / week

(There was also a notation I wrote in the margin of list. It reads, "This is how crazy people talk!" with an arrow pointing to the list. Beneath that notation I added, parenthetically and inexplicably, the words, "NO DOUBT, PONCHO.")

Judging by the surrounding content in my NoG, I think I created that list sometime last June. And how are my new rules holding up? Well, here's what I ate today, in order:

  • Medium (grande!) iced soy latte with two sugars
  • A handful of grapes and an orange slice
  • Tuna salad sandwich
  • M&M cookie
  • Caramel popcorn
  • Caramel popcorn dipped in chocolate
  • Sugar-glazed popcorn
  • chewing gum

However! I cooked myself dinner last night, for the first time in several months. I made grilled Oreos.

WE FIRST MET ON 09.01.2004

it's just a line; don't worry too much
read the archives, please. does that make me gay? meet the author, more or less. this is the email link you were perhaps looking for