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HOW TO SEE PAST TODAY'S MOST EXCITING TRENDS.

My new issue of TimeOut NY arrived yesterday, and I was excited by the cover story, "NYC's 41 Best Dive Bars." But then, today, the postman delivered the latest issue of TimeOut NY Two Months Into the Future. The cover story was "NYC's 41 Most Over-Crowded Former Dive Bars with Newly-Raised Drink Prices and Annoying Open Mic Comedy and Music Shows Three Times a Week." Damn! And it was going to be so much fun.

The editors of TimeOut NY get my hopes up when the reveal the cheapest food, coziest drinking spots, and performers the editors want to have sex with/are currently having sex with. I keep thinking, "great! New stuff I need to check out!" Then, right on its heels, TimeOut NY Two Months Into the Future goes and ruins everything. Here are some of their most recent cover stories:

  • NYC's 25 People to Stop Watching, Because They Have Become Tremendous Stuck-Up Assholes
  • Fall Movie Box Office Failure Preview
  • Hottest Canceled Summer Festival Concerts
  • 22 Sizzling Young Fashion Designers, Dead of AIDS/Overdose
  • 15 Closed-Down Clubs We Should Have Waited to Feature Until After They Applied for their Cabaret Licenses
  • TONY's Resident SEXpert, Jamie Bufalino Still Not Fired!
  • Cheap Eats, Without Rat Feces (Revised)
  • We Are So Sorry About That Masturbatory Feature on John Leguizamo
  • 20 Must-See Broadway Shows! (NEVERMIND TOO LATE!)
  • No One Believed Us When We Said Raw Foods Were The Next Big Thing, and for Good Reason
  • 48 New Spa Treatments to Avoid Based on Complaints of Sexual Abuse
  • Special TONYTMITF Tribute to 50 People Declared Missing or Dead in TONY's "Top 5 NYC Secret Crawspaces"
  • Ridgewood, NJ: The New Staten Island?
WE FIRST MET ON 03.11.2005

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