A small, middle-aged fellow bundled up in Patagonia outerwear (the official brand of Park Slope First-Wave Gentrifiers) just popped into the coffee shop to drop off a flier for his band. The band is called PUSSY ENVY and, according to the parenthetical qualifier below the band name, they are a "(PUNK BAND)."
And guess what? They're looking for a drummer with the ultimate goal of securing a record contract. What's that? Already too punk for you? Then you'd better stop reading right now because, guess what else? As far as PUSSY ENVY is concerned, with regards to finding the perfect financially-driven punk rock drummer, "age and sex are unimportant." Did someone say "Oi?"
Sure, maybe it doesn't matter whether you're a middle-aged guy with curvature of the spine or a post-middle-aged woman who lights candles whenever she's listening to Stevie Nicks records. It's all "punk and roll" to PUSSY ENVY. Whatever! NOT IMPORTANT. What is important, however, is that their mission statement burn through layers of Gore-tex and alpaca wool and right into your soul, like a dagger aimed at the heart: "WE JAM. WE GIG. THEN TAKE THE WORLD BY STORM. YOU DIG? ARE YOU READY FOR THE RIDE OF A LIFETIME?..." My answer, after a split second of consideration: no. But maybe your answer is "punkyes!"
And sure, if that same flier were stapled to a telephone pole in Williamsburg, it would have been torn down within seconds of being posted, and then the telephone pole would have been burned to the ground. But this is Park Slope, where we keep things freaky, cats. So keep your eye-rolling and carefully mussed hair to yourselves, Williamsburg, and over here in Park Slope we'll punking our asses off with PUSSY ENVY, to the sound of future record contracts and the hard crunch of guitars and organically grown Gala apples purchased at the co-op. Or should I say PUNK-OP? You're right. I shouldn't.