I didn't get a chance to see last night's episode of The Sopranos and, though I don't want anyone to spoil it for me, I can't stop thinking about all the toughguy mafia action I might have missed.
Did Silvio Dante have an asthma attack? Did he lose his inhaler, and get winded on a broken escalator? Did Johnny Sacks cry again? Did Paulie cry? Did Tony cry? Christopher? Tears? Did Christopher accidentally hit a deer with his SUV and then sob hysterically while standing over the expiring creature, its broken body a symbol for Christopher's own fractured, feral sense of morality.
Will things at home explode in that signature Sopranos style? Will Carmela rub salve into Tony's wound? Will Tony experience pain on the toilet? Will Meadow help a black lady or give her mother a disapproving glance? Will AJ throw his PlayStation 2 controller to the floor and storm off? This season is making me crazy. The mafia is so stressful and hard-nosed.
Oh wait! Did Vito find that Louis XIV armoire he had his eye on? That would be intense! DON'T TELL ME! Has he met some new friends in New Hampshire? Did he kiss a boy? And did he ever end up getting a new cell phone, after he tosssed his out the window? Which provider did he choose? I'm sure The Sopranos wouldn't spare us that particular detail.
Did anyone get shoved last night? Or sternly talked to? Did anyone get winded or frustrated? How were the sandwiches? Did Bobby Bacala finally find an HO scale lumber car for his train set? How's that going? Did Junior shit his diaper, or make a God's eye at the mental facility's craft therapy workshop? There are so many questions, with so many hard-boiled answers. The Sopranos is really ratcheting up the action during its final stretch and I don't wanna miss a single minute of those murderous New Jersey mobsters crying, fussing over their weight, attending NA meetings, staring glumly at children playing on swingsets, or antiquing in quaint New England towns. Fuggedaboudit! Right?