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Hey, cool customer—lookin’ good! Check out all that confidence swinging across the sidewalk, street-strutting on the uptown side. I gotta say, I like the whole package, stretch. Six feet five inches of long-legged swagger swathed in cornflower blue denim and peaked out with crisp, white baseball cap. A pair of $5 sunglasses purchased in Chinatown for some extra shade, to keep the crease out of your expression. Man, you are hep style personified. So much slick and dazzle I almost didn't notice your jeans were soaked from crotch to cuff in your own hot urine.

There's no denying it—your downtown look is F-R-E-S-H. Almost as fresh as the urine darkening the inner legs of your pants, which seems to have been released so recently that its given your denim a nice wet glisten, like seal hide. Only urine.

And why should this potentially (no, "INARGUABLY") humiliating accident break your stride? It hasn't slowed you down a bit though, more surprisingly, it hasn't accelerated your pace either. When I think about wetting myself in public—and I think about this more often than you'd like to know—I sort of imagine myself standing still in a crowd, shaking in fear, and then running. Running and crying, as my warm legs cooled fast and the damp, shifting fabric of my pants rubbed against my calves, giving my skin an icy bite. Sometimes I also think about dropping to the sidewalk, or trying to press myself into a brick wall until I'm invisible to the public. But I do not think about pretending it never happened, and walking to my next destination with my head held high.

Yet, maybe you had the right idea all along. I mean, what are you going to do, really? You wet yourself in public (mistake #1), and you probably don't have an extra pair of pants lying around. (unless you've done this many, many times before and then, if you still don't have that extra pair of pants well, that's mistake #2) And unless you wet yourself because you were walking by the window of Men's Clean Pants, Waterproof Floors, and Salespeople with Incredible Discretion Superstore and were excited because you saw they were having a sale, there is probably a decent amount of distance separating you—wet pants, getting wetter—and a retail solution to your problem. So how you act during the moments between release and remedy is crucial. In other words, maybe it's in your best interest to keep your cool, act natural, and hope that people see you and think, "Man, that's one cool customer." Because what could be cooler than enjoying a nice, slow walk, shoulders back, chest forward, arms swinging, pants soaked in pee?

WE FIRST MET ON 11.13.2006

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