Someone just sent me this clip of esteemed Conservative pundit, Ann Coulter, speaking frankly about politics at the Conservative Political Action Conference. I think it's refreshing to see Miss Coulter stick to the issues. In one brief, well-rehearsed quip she calls Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards a "faggot," and simultaneously trashes the trend of "rehab-as-apology" in American culture. Ann's not apologizing to anyone for calling this former U.S. Senator a faggot! She's done her homework! The facts are in, and those facts add up to: DEMOCRAT JOHN EDWARDS + 300 HOURS OF STURDY POLITICAL RESEARCH REGARDING HIS PLATFORM AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE = FAGGOT.
[By the way, I haven't had a chance to say this yet, but great work on FOX News Channel's very funny '1/2 Hour News Hour.' Your performance in the 'Rush Limbaugh as President' sketch was right on the money. Not at all wooden or spooky. You absolutely didn't remind me of one of those slow-moving, talking trees from Lord of the Rings. Nice acting chops. Glad to see you having fun.]
And the assembled guests at one of America's largest Conservative conferences must have done their homework, too, because they were psyched about Coulter's thorough, fact-filled dissection of Edwards' merit as a Presidential candidate. (i.e. he is a faggot) I haven't heard a room full of political conservatives having this much fun since John Rambo went back and turned around a Vietnam War victory for America...3,000 bullets at a time! This kind of laughter is usually reserved for the moment Larry the Cable Guy farts into a microphone, or when the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan entertains his Knights by pulling a Michael Jackson puppet out of his rob, then whipping its pants off, and pointing out the flat area on its groin where genitals should be.
Just so we're clear, there's really no subtlety on this one, is there? Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot. At a major Republican political conference in Washington, D.C. And everyone laughed. That's it, right? There's no missing context for this video, is there? Like a moment right after that comment when Ann Coulter says, "What if I had really meant that? Wouldn't that be just kind of hateful?" Or a moment before the clip where she says, "I'd like to wish everyone in the audience a very un-happy 'Backwards Day'!" She is incorrigible, which is precisely why we love her very much. She's really funny—like Carlos Mencia, but less sensitive, less sophisticated, and made of very brittle wood.
I know it's not nice to pray for a woman to wake up one morning with a short thin, misshapen penis that pees an endless and uncontrollable, eye-stinging stream of diarrhea and can't be amputated without killing her. Something that won't martyr her, but will force her to live the rest of her life feeling the same hot shame I feel for her every time she opens her humorless mouth.
I know that's not nice. I should be praying for other things, like a peaceful resolution in the Middle East, or for John Edwards to keep his faggoty hands to himself. But I can't help it. I have tried to be reasonable, but after hearing Coulter—a MAINSTREAM pundit who is getting rich off book sales and lecture tours—shit on 9/11 widows, call global warming activists "anti-human," and now use her time at a political conference to dismissively joke that one of our Presidential candidates is a faggot (to, let's not forget, rousing approval), I have decided to direct all of my prayers into the singular area of making Ann Coulter's diarrhea-spewing, severely deformed penis a reality. It's my dream.