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A little while back, I linked to a back-page humor piece I contributed to for RADAR Magazine: "100 Reasons You're Still Single." I also mentioned I'd try to dig up my full list of contributions, and post them here as a kind of addendum to the piece. One person cared, and to the one person I say this: Here you go. (They asked us to come up with ideas that were "relate-able" and I did try to do that, and mixed them in with ideas that were maybe a little less universal, but made me laugh. Also, Lisa helped me with a couple, and gave me the raw materials to think of a couple more.)

- Have a daily "to do" list with only two items: "whale on abs" and "punish delts"

- Have less body hair than your last three girlfriends

- Pepper your conversation with words like "manscaping," "Bennifer," "celebutante" and "blogosphere"

- Have a five o'clock shadow, on your ass

- Are the captain of the Duke lacrosse team

- Collect ninja throwing stars

- Wear your karate gi on dates

- Hang a samurai sword in your cubicle

- Insist on calling your enormous collection of "Spawn" action figures "a good investment."

- Keep referring to your penis as "Da Mayor"

- Have only three MySpace friends, and one of them is "Saw III: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack"

- Posed shirtless in your MySpace profile picture

- Have actively solicited friends to add you to their MySpace Top 8

- Think it's cute, after your first night having sex with someone, to sneak into his bathroom with a tube of lipstick and write "WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF AIDS" on the mirror

- Wear "month of the year" panties

- Constantly bring your work home with you, and you're a proctologist

- Begin stories with "I swear I'm not a stalker but..."

- Choose the fist bump as your preferred method of greeting, and always insist the other person "lock it in"

- Eat dinner with an arm guarding your plate, like a death row convict

- Call your therapist from the office, on speakerphone

- Keep telling women "I'm just looking for that special someone to replace my therapist, cleaning woman, and dominatrix."

- Have a "Peeing Calvin" decal on your headboard / on your office window / on your Prius

- Cruise around town on a Razor Scooter

- Refuse to stop wearing that "World's Greatest Rapist" baseball cap

- Have the names of six different women tattooed on your arm, with icons next to each one indicating whether they were a "psycho", "lesbo" or "cheating whore."

- Were featured in three different Girls Gone Wild DVDs

- Have a dangerously high Thetan count

- Constantly brag about your participation in a charity run for "titty cancer"

- Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

- Jokingly refer to your Blackberry as a "Crackberry" and Target as "Tar-Jay"

- Constantly remind people that you don't have a television

- Make your point in an argument by saying, "I think Carlos Mencia said it best..."

- Have ever responded to someone by saying, "that's so typical for a Sagittarius"

- Made your own bong

- Invite people over to watch you get your pet iguana high

- Use the word "funky" to describe absolutely everything but music

- Own an actual Steve Miller Band album instead of "Greatest Hits"

- List your occupation as "Cam Girl"

- Are saving yourself...for the Lord

- Use Febreze in place of detergent, deodorant, and conditioner

- Think you're a "Miranda" when you're obviously a "Samantha"

- Contribute to political discussions by stating that more people voted for American Idol than in the last Presidential election

- Own fannypacks for every season

- Purchased your dining room set using "Marlboro Points"

- Think having a "cool sense of fashion" means dressing exactly like Neo in The Matrix

- Own a 60" flat screen Plasma television, a $3,000 stereo system, and you sleep on a broken futon

- Have taken at least one cell phone picture of your own bowel movement

- Celebrate Halloween in your office every year by shaving your head and wearing yellow contact lenses and custom-made Nosferatu fangs

- Think there is no difference between being "confident" and being "an insufferable douchebag"

WE FIRST MET ON 09.05.2007

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