Everyone knows me as a very religious man. Therefore, it's not so unusual for me to pray nightly for Christian Finnegan to be raped. And, because I have a close relationship with the man upstairs - you may recall that we met at an Internet café in '98, updating our web sites side by side, and we've rolled together tighter than a Philly blunt ever since - I can expect a prayer answer rate of 99.3%. I'm just saying...
As you may have heard, via Star and Buc Wild's morning show on HOT 97 in NYC, or Blog This! magazine, this site has been involved in an ongoing online beef with Finnegan's "Tower of Hubris." (and honestly, i can't think of a more fitting name for that site, with the possible exception of "Who Farted?") Would I like to see this beef end? Of course. It's taken too many lives already. Word.com. Feedmag.com. Stim.com. Suck.com. Spiv.com. Flooz.com. Biggie.com. Tupac.edu. What happened to all these sites? Natural causes? Or the direct result of Finnegan's psychotic scramble for online power?
Today, Finnegan has taken what started as a cheap, though partially true, joke about my mother, and turned it into a series of specious personal attacks. Worse still, I woke up this morning to find that my iPod had been stabbed. Will it ever end?
Finnegan spits vitriol on his site with regards to our beef, but before you rush to judgment here are some facts:
FACT: On today's entry, Christian compares my fans to Bulgarians at a Michael Jackson concert. This is because Christian is racist.
FACT: Yesterday, Christian claimed he is "not a fan of hip-hop" but likes the "wackier" stuff like Kool Keith. Making a statement like this is akin to saying, "I'm not a fan of rock and roll but I really like that Weird Al Yankovic" or "I'm not a fan of black people but I know the name of one of those guys - I think we learned it in school. Was it Fred Sanford?" or "I'm a racist." (see above)
FACT: Today Christian claimed I live my life in imaginary quotation marks. He neglected to mention that those quotation marks are made of imaginary solid platinum, and are lined with imaginary mink fur. He also neglected to mention that he lives inside quotation marks as well, right next door to the words "bi-curious". (in fact, he just moved there from his old neighborhood, "not fair! you can't strike out in kickball!!")
FACT: tremble.com has been down since 1998, and was an old-school tilde account before that. Tower of Hubris has been around for slightly less time than Sisqo's "Dragon" clothing collection, and has even fewer supporters.
FACT: I was on the "Increase.com the Peace.com: Repairing the Blogger vs. Diaryland Schism" panel at last year's Web DevCon. Halfway through my slide presentation, three shots were fired from the back of the lecture hall. I was uninjured, thanks to my kevlar smoking jacket, but one of the bullets grazed that "I Kiss You" guy, and his sunglasses were knocked from his face. Fortunately, the sunglasses were also unharmed, thanks to the sunglass strap, donated by Micron Computers, one of the sponsors of the conference. Christian Finnegan was unreachable for questioning, but later claimed he was doing a stand-up comedy "road gig" at the time. An investigation is pending, but I'm still pretty sure even cursory detective work will prove that there is no such comedy club called "The Hee Spot." Nice try, Finnegan. Or should I call you "Attempted Murderer-egan?" OK, I won't. But only because it's a very cumbersome name.
FACT: It's true that I have several "ironic" t-shirts, but it is also true that Christian Finnegan has a very unironic vagina.
FACT: Finally, Finnegan claims that I have a more powerful readership, but he has all the cred. I ask you, does this look like a credible man?
Check out that face. The caricature on my home page is more flattering. I haven't seen image quality that poor since the R. Kelly urination sex video. (i received a copy from christian's mom, who was the key grip on that production.) Dude, what happened to that picture? It's more blurry and pixilated than a Mafia rat's face in a 60 Minutes interview. How are you supposed to represent without PhotoShop skills? That's the first order of the online streets.
Finnegan, you chain-snatching, beef-starting, 80s pop culture-adoring hater - when are you going to squash this nonsense? You're attacking me. You're attacking my readers. (who, as you can see from your rocked comments boards, know how to defend themselves.) You're attacking American values. When will you recognize that my site is more phat than triple-cream and more popular than triple-platinum; you're still trying to make it to double-plastic. Let's end this now. If I have to spill another shot of Moxie soda in memory of my dead online homies, I'm going to short out my keyboard.