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A little while ago, I was complaining about the whereabouts of my time machine. Update: still no time machine. (WTF? LOL!) When most people wonder what the future holds, they think of one of maybe three or four things:

  1. oral sex robots
  2. horny radioactive mutants
  3. solar-powered flying automobiles with vagina and anus holes
  4. jet packs

All of those things are fine, but I was thinking it would be nice if Jet Packs were available only to the elderly. I am not interested in putting them in peril; I just think it would provide senior citizens with a newfound respect. Old people are treated horribly – just this morning, I saw a group of rabbis pushing an old couple into a mud puddle. They are made to feel small and weak and without value in contemporary society. And they are all of these things, of course, but we sometimes forget how adorable they are, what with their cellophane wrapped sucking candies and their loose neck skin. And seeing old people zooming around on jet packs would be extraordinarily cute. Even a rainy day would feel like sunshine if you could see your grandmother flying around, feeding squirrels from up above.

Giving jet pack ownership rights exclusively to the elderly would also encourage more inter-generational communication. People would surely be more patient with senior citizens, and treat them with more kindness, if only to improve their own chances of getting a ride on the jet pack for a little bit. "Hey, Miss Rosenberg, I have this extra package of Stella Doro breakfast treats and I can't eat them all by myself. Maybe you'd like them? Here, I'll hold your jet pack while you fumble with the crinkly packaging." Hey, it worked with dorks and Segways. If it weren't for Segway scooters, you would never get to see cool kids with low-ride jeans and chain wallets talking to grown men wearing monogrammed fanny packs, fedoras, "Intel Inside™" sunglasses straps, and cargo vests.

p.s. Yesterday, I heard a Park Slope dad trying to explain a children's song to his 3 year-old son. He concluded his argument by saying, "Hence, no more monkeys jumping on the bed." It is in this moment that I wish his Future Son could slip a note to his Present Son that says, "learn kung-fu now, because you're going to need to physically defend yourself every single day from the age of 12 onward."

WE FIRST MET ON 05.06.2004

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