"I grew up in a very small and backwards town. Our mayor was a burly produce farmer named Lefty Dupree. Lefty told everyone he lost his right hand after getting it caught in a piece of farm equipment. Rumor around town was that the piece of farm equipment was a mule. GOODNIGHT!"
[in the first draft of this joke, the piece of farm equipment was a rake. i spent several minutes wondering if one could actually lose their hand in a rake. while the very idea seemed impossible and therefore hilarious to me, i worried someone might be stupid enough to make it happen. i am pandering to farmers!]