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HOW TO PLAY TV EXECUTIVE.

Is TV too confusing for you? Channels and networks piling up like mildew, to the point where you can't tell what's what, when to watch, and flip dee floo? And who has time to read all those countless books (TV Guide, Dr. Telly's Guide to Magic Window Box Delights, etc.) dedicated to untangling the various television plotlines, premises, and puffersnatches? NOT YOU!

With that in mind, here's a list of some of this season's popular television serial play titles, along with a names that would be more appropriate, and less misleading, for each show. I call it: PREMATURELY-ABANDONED TV SHOW TITLE PREMISE.

TV show title: "Numb3rs"
More accurate TV show title: "I Thought Pitching This Premise to the Network Would Be a No-Brainer, Though I Had Absolutely No Intention of Following-Through on the Show, and Now I am Fucked"*

TV show title: "24"
More accurate TV show title: "The Jack Bauer Super-Power Hour of Dour"

TV show title: "Huff"
More accurate TV show title: "The Cable Ace Award Acting Showcase Hour"

TV show title: "Fear Factor"
More accurate TV show title: "Give It a Week or Two: Someone On This Show Will Eat an Abortion for $200"

TV show title: "Scrubs"
More accurate TV show title: "Herman's Head, M.D."

TV show title: "SuperNanny"
More accurate TV show title: "Nanny 911? FUCK!! You May Have Won This Time, FOX TV!!"

TV show title: "Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy"
More accurate TV show title: "Touché, ABC Television"

TV show title: "Committed"
More accurate TV show title: "The Sitcom About the Neurotic Guy Who is a Better-Looking Version of the Guy Who Created the Show, and the Carefree Woman After Whom the Guy Who Created the Show Has Been Pining Since Fourth Grade, and Self-Delusionally Thinks He's Fucking His Way Toward Through a Series of Initially Well-Meaning but Ultimately Unsatisfying Relationships with Women Who Believe He Might Actually Be Committed to Them, and Slowly Realize They're Chained to Someone Who is So Self-Absorbed There's Room for No One Else in the Relationship, But It's Usually Too Late Because He's Already Secretly Fucking Someone Else Who 'Might be the One' "

TV show title: "According to Jim"
More accurate TV show title: "Ever Wonder What Jim Belushi Thinks About All Day? Now You Know, Assholes"

TV show title: "VH-1's Awesomely Bad Hair"
More accurate TV show title: "VH-1's Extremely Unpaid On-Air Talent"

TV show title: "The O.C."
More accurate TV show title: "Sorry, Black People – There's Nothing to See Here"

TV show title: "CSI: NY"
More accurate TV show title: "CSI Don't Know Why Anyone Bothered"

TV show title: "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition"
More accurate TV show title: "Mom's Dead – Can We Have a Swimming Pool Now?"

TV show title: "Blue Collar TV"
More accurate TV show title: "Four More Years!!"

TV show title: "Johnny Zero"
More accurate TV show title: "Four More Episodes!!"

TV show title: "Unscripted"
More accurate TV show title: "Unwatched"

TV show title: "One Tree Hill"
More accurate TV show title: "One Thirty-Nine Year-Old Man Masturbating in His Parents' Garage"

TV show title: "The Biggest Loser"
More accurate TV show title: "The Biggest Losers"

TV show title: "Pimp My Ride"
More accurate TV show title: "Greatest Television Show, EVER"

TV show title: "Celebrity Blackjack"
More accurate TV show title: "As Long As Your Old, Lame Dad Remains a Network Executive, Coolio Remains a Celebrity"

*Bonus Round: Interview question most likely to be asked of David Krumholz, who plays a crime-solving mathematician on the TV show, 'Numb3rs': "Were you good at math in school?"

WE FIRST MET ON 02.07.2005

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