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Is everyone OK? I haven't heard from many people today, and I'm wondering if my brother's gang violence warning came to horrifying fruition? I myself was not shot. Nor was I stabbed, gored, choked, yoked, bled, maimed, defenestrated, inculcated, roofied, curbed, laid-off, put-open, hot-footed, short-sheeted, atomic-wedgied, indian rope-burned, charlie-horsed, half-stepped, dissed, put in a corner, punk'd or pantsed. At one point I bit my lower lip, which may or may not have been Crips-related. Jury's still out on that one.

In fact, I have to confess the news of the second suspension (and imminent dissolution?) of Chappelle's Show had a much more powerful impact on my close friends than any acts of gang-related skulduggery. (by the way, I was just awarded an honorary doctorate from my collegeiate alma mater based solely on my effort to incorporate the word "skulduggery" into this post.)

That doesn't mean the street gangs were not out in full force, with their misleadingly vibrant colors flying. Step on the subway platform at 125th Street any time after sunset and you were likely to see any combination of one or more of the following gangs:

  • The S'bloods
  • The Cruds
  • The Crimped
  • The Deaths
  • The Self-Locking Refrigerators
  • The Diving-Somersault-to-Karate-Kicks (They were the only ones i wasn't worried about because they are so easy to beat. As they dive into their patent somersault/karate kick stance, simply take one step back so you're out of their kick's reach. Then shoot them in the belly.)
  • The Original Latin Kings of Comedy
  • The South Street Slapsies
  • The Batman
  • The Opposite of Goods
  • The Negative Attitudes
  • The Insolent Dicks
  • The Hard Ones
  • The Super Street Fighter III's
  • The Shitty Faces
  • The Untucked Shirts Despite Several Increasingly Desperate Entreaties to Tuck In Shirts Because We Are Going To Church
  • The Stabbingers
  • The Aloof Kittens
  • The Kerbangers
  • The Apple Dumpling Gang, with Nunchuks
  • The Potato Eaters
  • The Combination Skins
  • The Criminally Impolite
  • The Murder Pals
  • Jake Pistol and the Hollow Points (also an excellent – AND LETAL – rockabilly band)
  • The C-Words
  • The Gay Bashers
  • The Six-Foot Submarine-Style Knuckle Sandwich
  • The Uncomfortable Office Chairs
  • The Chinese Guys Who Act Like Black Guys
  • The Spanking Machine
  • The Unfashionably Late
  • The Special Needs
  • The Suddenly Pink Laundry
  • Bed, Bath, and Spiked Bats
  • The Ruined Batch of Toll House Cookies
  • Captain Stabbin's Anal Adventurers

And, of course, The People's Republic of Getting Your Ass Kicked. One wrong move, and you could have been a goner, so let's count our collective blessings.

P.S. My new favorite site!*

*SUCKERS! You've been Link'd!

WE FIRST MET ON 05.06.2005

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