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OK, I am officially leaving for Europe in a few hours and I know I should just go quietly but something has come to my attention which I must call BULLSHIT on.

There is no way in hell that "Sugar" has only emerged victorious in 68% of her battles on KITTENWAR.COM. Look at her! This kitten is so adorable I want to place her in a small glazed ceramic cup, and eat her with a highly decorative spoon. Sugar is a champion. She probably poops little rainbow-colored collectible figurines that smell like raspberries and sun-warmed fur. I'll bet inanimate things, like tea pots and mittens and universal remotes talk to Sugar when no humans are around, and they say, "Sugar, you are the pleasant princess of Morningwood. (That's what they call your apartment when you're not around.) Won't you grace us with a dance?" And then Sugar's all, "OK, whatever dudes," and then she does a crazy little dance where she's standing still and suddenly lifts on leg off the ground, then puts it down and lifts another, and another, totally at random so it looks like a crazy hopping funny dance, and the tea pot whistles with approval and the cheese tray laughs so hard he falls off the kitchen counter and shatters into a milllion sharp pieces. Then Sugar arranges the funeral and delivers a eulogy that's so moving that the tears of all the citizens of Morningwood join and form a rushing stream that Sugar sails down inside a tea cup. Oh, little Admiral Sugar of the SS Petunia, give a wave! Ahoy there! Ahoy!!

I guess what I'm saying is, even with mange or a missing eyeball, that kitten could win 100% of her battles, hands-down, and anything less is a felony of Aggravated Neglect in the first degree.

I feel sick, for the frequenters of KITTEN WAR, and for America.

WE FIRST MET ON 05.13.2005

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