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Some friends of mine are having an orgy for the Fourth of July and I was wondering: how does one start an orgy?

I can understand how you might plan an orgy – stationery store, Evite, phone tree, party warehouse, etc. – but once all of your orgy guests have arrived, and everyone has finished eating the potluck dinner (the invitation requested each attendee bring one "covered dish, with an emphasis on sensuality"), how do you get from "that was a lovely roast, Carol" to "will someone hurry up and fill my ass?" I have imagined the scenario over and over, and it always strikes me as an awkward transition.

I guess the easiest way to start an orgy would be on a three-count, or with a track gun, the host firing a blank into the air to signal the orgy's commencement. But that's like going from zero to 80 in a split second, isn't it? It's hard enough knowing exactly when to start kissing one person; how are you supposed to know when to roll over on your best friend's wife? On the few occasions I've seen orgies depicted on film, or in my father's sketch books, it seems I'm always landing somewhere in the middle, when things have already heated up a bit, without any backstory. They never show you the part where it's just everyone sitting around on towels with flaccid genitals and lifeless breasts, kind of waiting for things to get started. The part where two of the men get briefly engaged in a conversation about their commute to the orgy:

"I took 95 East. It was a really easy time; I think we beat a lot of the holiday traffic."

"Oh sure, yeah, that's one way. Or you could have taken the Jefferson Parkway, 'cause that's a no-trucks route and you don't have all the extra stress of that, which is nice."

"Right, but 95 is just a straight shot."

"Speaking of straight shots, how about ejaculating on my face?"

"OK yeah, sure thing. But I could ejaculate on your belly instead, you know, since you've got your contacts in. Might be easier."

"You're the boss. Oh! I hope you don't find that weird, since you're actually my boss and stuff."

"Nope. I like it. I like it a lot. I'm the boss and I – oh dear, I've already lost my erection."

Alternately, maybe there's just one alpha person who just sort of takes command and loudly announces, "that's it! I'm gonna fuck someone 'cause I've only got the babysitter 'til eleven-thirty." Then, once everyone has gotten used to the idea that they're all in a room together, naked, with a couple of people having sex within a few feet of everyone, I guess it breaks the ice.

I also wonder what happens to the people who arrive late. I'm often late, and terrible at following directions, so I can easily see myself arriving to an orgy well after it's already begun, flustered from the many wrong turns and well-hidden street signs that kept me from being on time. How do you just catch up with everyone else? There must be a point where the host just sort of says, "OK, that's it. We've got most of our RSVPs here, and we're missing just a couple of folks. If they want to arrive on their own time well, then, they're just gonna have to miss out. The invitation clearly stated, 6pm until ???, and it's well after 8. I mean, when did they think the orgy was going to get under way? How long are we supposed to wait. If you're gonna have an orgy you gotta put a stake in the ground. EIGHT PM, that's it! Damn if I'm gonna make my "respectful" guests wait a minute longer. NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, KATHY. This is just plain rude."

I guess if I were going to host an orgy I'd start it by telling everyone that before the party I hid a coupon for Outback Steakhouse in one of the guest's vaginas, and whoever finds it gets to keep it.

WE FIRST MET ON 06.30.2005

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