[Fridays are lazy days at tremble!]
I received two separate injuries last night, as the result of a poorly timed stage fall. (the other result of my stage fall: tepid laughter.) Bruised my arm, near the elbow, and pulled a muscle in my chest. These two injuries, combined with the deep burn in my thighs and calves after being physically tortured by a personal trainer (brag), a one-time complimentary service accompanying my new gym membership (purposeffully diminished brag due to an immediate swelling of shame associated with the nature of the earlier brag), I am left nearly crippled from the waist up and groin down.
It's hard to have the detachment necessary to be write creatively about your life when all you can think about is how much your arms, legs, chest, shoulders, and wiener-bone hurt. (When will I be able to resist tagging things with "wiener-bone?" Answer: absolutely never wiener-bone.) So, as a salve, I'm going to remind myself of things I'm really excited about right now, for reasons both good and bad:
ITEM! Mark Ecko's "Getting Up Block Party"
I love the idea that Ecko is going to stick a train-sized canvas in the middle of a NYC block, and let graf artists bomb it (Yes, I own the Style Wars DVD.) I am excited enough about this event that I'm actually willing to look past the fact that it's really a tremendously expensive promotion for a $50 video game. Whatever, grandpa!!
ITEM! Donald Rumsfeld's 4th Anniversary of 9/11 Super-Party Crazyvaganza and Freedom Walk
I am not an openly political person; I mean, I don't even own an American Eagle Beanie Baby. Nonetheless, there are certain obvious truths even a shut-in like me can appreciate. So please allow me to say holy mother of thank you, this is possibly the single most wonderfully nutty idea to come out of the current administration since the war in Makebelieveterror-istan began. Soldiers in Iraq have been complaining the "Invisible Armor" our military provided isn't quite stopping the bullets, despite following its strict instructions to "wish as hard as you can upon the most magical, sparkly rainbow to activate your armor's invisible powers, because only the most pure of heart will survive a direct hit to it?" Our President's public approval ratings show him testing worse than Olive Garden's new Linguine in Ku Klux Klam Sauce. So, what do we do? How about a good old-fashioned hoe-down with internationally sensitive country-western recording artist Clint "I Raq and Roll" Black? Yes! Oh man, is there a more telling product of a completely insular administration than a giant party on the White House lawn on the anniversary of the greatest modern tragedy on American soil (well, second greatest, after Clint Black finishes his encore this 9/11) for all the people who AREN'T having exploding babies tossed at them from speeding trucks every single day in Iraq? I even love the military-penned, choke-on-all-the-words name they've given to the event's accompanying (footnoted) charity walk: THE AMERICA SUPPORTS YOU FREEDOM WALK. It already sounds like a tremendous typo. And, yes, it's sponsored by America's most freedom-loving corporation, Lockheed-Martin. Somewhere, a great satirist just got scooped by reality.
FUNNY ITEM! Andy Kindler
I saw him perform at Crash Test on Monday night, at the UCB Theater, and I was instantly reminded of why I love his stand-up comedy so much. He operates so well outside the entertainment industry, while still enjoying a modicum of its approval. The things he says about popular comedy are pretty undeniable, but are still rarely said, at least onstage and on the record. A couple of quick highlights from his set (apologies for paraphrasing):
[on the subject of the made-for-tv movie about Mork & Mindy]
"I kept thinking, if I were a fly on the wall during the making of Mork & Mindy, I probably would have gotten sleepy and fallen into a cup of coffee."
[on Will and Grace]
"Not only is Will & Grace not my cup of tea...it makes me HATE TEA."
PERHAPS UNNECESSARILY CRITICAL ITEM! Bloggers who keep talking about the new (NOT YET RELEASED!) Death Cab For Cutie album (a nice round-up can be found here.)
I don't know why, but I find this incredibly precious. And by precious I mean preciouszzzzzzzz. Rushing to your keyboard to post about having heard an album/read a book/seen a movie that isn't yet officially out is possibly my all-time favorite theme in the realm of Blogbraggery™. The setup to this kind of brag kind of falls along the same scale as Tex-Mex salsa:
MILD - a very subtle mention. It's usually someone merely stating a fact, without indicating that the book/record/film at the center of their discussion is not actually available for public consumption. Of course, the author is completely aware of this truth, but there's something sly in the decision to write about with an air of oblivion: "Oh wait. You mean not EVERYONE has a copy of the uncorrected proof for the new Jonathan Franzen book? But I do? Hmm...that's so weird." (Incidentally, this is probably the kind of brag I'm most personally susceptible to, as both a reader and writer.)
MEDIUM - here, the person explains, sometimes at great length, how he or she came into possession of the first-looks privilege. And yes, it's always an excellent, gripping story. This kind of brag usually includes links to many other people who shared the same experience, because what would an account of attending advance screening of Must Love Dogs be without a laundry list of links to A NEARLY IDENTICAL ACCOUNT of the exact same event, written by the people sitting directly to your left or right?
EL DIABLO! - this is where it gets tricky. In the ordinary world, an extra-intense brag would be accompanied by thousands of exclamation points and digital photographs. However, the collective voice of the online world is knowingly self-deprecating; kind of a little-man-against-the-big-world outsider. In other words, we're kind of through the looking glass, which means you have to apply inverse standards. El Diablo brags are those in which the author anticipates criticism (hi!) and pre-emptively apologizes for having access to whatever form of media is up for discussion. Here's a good example, and one I've seen quite often, "Of course, by now everyone with an AOL account and LimeWire has heard the new Beck track, so I'm sorry to bore you but...IT'S DECK!!!!!!!!! TOTES."
DELICIOUSLY SOUR ITEM! LifeSavers® Gummies® Sours
Man! I found these months ago, and couldn't remember where. Ever since then, it's been one depressing visit to Duane Reade or Rite-Aid after another. However, at a chance meeting with a Wal-Greens yesterday, I found another bag and grabbed at it with perverse lust. LifeSavers did these up so right. They're squishy and, unlike the coarse sugar of Sour Patch Kids or the powdered yuck of Skittles Sours, LifeSavers Gummies Sours are evenly coated in perfectly ground sour sugar. (They're a lot like the texture of a cat tongue, actually.) Plus, they didn't mess up the proposition with stomach-churning and obvious flavors like TRU BLU MARTIANBERRY. Instead, they stuck with the basics: strawberry, cherry, black raspberry, and tangerine. (All correctly spelled, as if to say, "here you go, adult candy lover and member of Mensa.") LifeSavers could have stopped there, but then they were all, "We love your ruddy ass, so here's a bonus: WATERMELON. Just don't tell your mother, because she'd kill us!" Watermelon! Totally unexpected, just like falling in love.
NO GROWTH HORMONES ITEM! The veggie burger at Tiny's Sandwich Shop
An unstoppable favorite that almost always accompanies me when there's drinking to be drunk at The Magician. Thick veggie patty, cheddar cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, and that crazy-weird Big Mac sauce that's basically just ketchup and mayo mixed up in a bucket. Big ups, Tiny.
MUSICAL ITEM! "Bailando" by Crazy Frog
Man, that Crazy Frog knows how to write the hits. Great ring tones, killer tunes – the little guy must never sleep. After I heard his screeching, jibberish cover of the Axel F Theme, I thought, "this is it." Then I smashed my entire CD collection with a hammer and replaced all 3,000+ albums with a single disc: the Crazy Frog Axel F single. Man, did I ever act too soon, because well before CF's AF Theme wore out its welcome on my stereo, bam! Another robotically manufactured club dance track straight from the soundtrack of Hedonism III, backed by the computerized retardo-stutter of an animated frog. Perfect for summer, or any time. Hey, Iraq – this is just a taste of the freedoms we enjoy in the West. This should be playing on tank-mounted speakers as our troops roll through Baghdad. BEST. SONG. EVER.
UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS ITEM! Four Brothers
The film Four Brothers premieres today. I've no idea whether this movie will be good, bad, or just instantly forgotten. In fact, I don't really even know what this movie is about. All I know is, for the last two weeks I haven't been able to stop saying, "THEY SET MA UP! THEY SET HER UP!!" and then giggling like a tickled baby.