I was walking to work, enjoying my last few moments of feeling Not Entirely Crushed Between The Cogs Of Industry™, and I passed a fellow wearing what I presume he believed to be a very politically-charged t-shirt. It was an image of Gollum, the spindly creep from Lord of the Rings, digitally altered with George W. Bush's facial features. Bush as Gollum. No further explanation provided.

I see a lot of this. Every liberal, moderate, or non-ultra-conservative (so wait? who likes bush right now?) seems to be taking swipes at Bush these days, and for good reason: HE'S A DUMMY!! (sharp political humor.) But I think the messages are getting confusing. Bush as Gollum? I don't get it. When degrading the President's image, make sure the metaphor fits. Otherwise, it's an arbitrary character assassination or, in the case of the gentleman I saw today, an excuse to wear a Gollum t-shirt and feel sort of like an activist. If your George W. Bush-as-Other Thing metaphor requires any explanation beyon the simple image itself – for example, "You see, the oil in the Middle East is like the One Ring and Saddam is Sauromon, and I guess that makes General Tommy Frank that guy with the red beard and um, Bush, you see... – you've probably chosen poorly.

In fact, if you're thinking about putting George W. Bush's face on a t-shirt and feel like a simple red slash across his face or a "BUSH LIES" message beneath it just don't make your point salient enough, here are some Do's and Don'ts for depicting our current President as a villainous character on a t-shirt, beer cozy, sombrero, etc..

DO DEPICT GEORGE W. BUSH AS

• Rambo
  
• Forrest Gump
  
• The Sling Blade guy
  
• Hagar The Horrible
  
• A Persian cat
  
• Little Lord Fauntleroy
  
• A chimp on a toilet, confounded by toilet paper
  
• the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz
  
• Alfred E. Newman
  
• Dig Dug
  
• Predator (from Predator 2 only)
  
• Napoleon
  
• Udo Dirkschneider, lead singer of heavy metal band, Accept
  
• Vincent Gallo
  

DON'T DEPICT GEORGE W. BUSH AS:

• Hitler (The sentiment is appreciated, but the analogy is a bit misguided. Save it for former NYC mayor Rudolph Giuliani and my dad.)
  
• A Playboy Bunny
  
• Cobra Kommander (or Destro)
  
• the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy experts
  
• Baby Huey
  
• Doctor Octopus
  
• Alien (unless it's the Alien from Alien 3)
  
• A Chelsea Boy
  
• Howdy Doody (not relevant)
  
• Wendy Carlos (not mainstream enough)
  
• The Hee-Haw Donkey
  
• Ming the Merciless
  
• King Koopa
  
• Eggplant Florentine
  
• A half-tank, half-futuristic ninja experimental weapon
  
• A sentient truck
  
• A Half-and-Half single serving plastic cup resting in a puddle of blood