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Disgruntled Puerto Rican Lady With A speech Volume Disorder On The Uptown 9 Train this morning, thank you for your candor and your wisdom. When you were screaming to your friend – seated 6 inches from your face – about the injustice of being "visited" by your company's "undercover spies" and then described one of the female spies as "total fucking butch, you know," you could have left it at that, and you might be forgiven for your anger.

But you're better than that, DPRLWASVDOTU9T, because you immediately followed that vitriolic accusation with a disclaimer. "I ain't got nothing against gays, you know. I used to be gay. I was gay for, like, two years." Your honesty reminded me of the period, for six weeks in the summer of 1993, when I was a Cherokee Indian. And, of course, spring break 2001, when I was made of shaving cream. And now, I got nothing against shaving cream. Not a fucking thing.

I find that ladies (and formerly gay men) like this always have the most assured opinions, and it makes me feel somewhat envious. For instance, after she ranted about her momentary lapse of heterosexuality, she went on to complain about people telling her "what to do." Her friend agreed that, no, people gots no right to tell her what to do. DPL thanked her for her agreement and then pronounced, "THE ONLY THING I GOTTA DO IS DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!"

I am far too indecisive to make a statement like that. I tend to look at both sides and consider the many things I might have to do in addition to just dying, motherfucker. Like my laundry. I have to do my laundry today or I'll be naked, motherfucker. And I have to eat food so I won't feel tired and hungry, motherfucker. And, probably, if someone asks, I'll feel like I have to do a little bit of work here and there so I can save up enough money to die.

There was something about this briefly gay woman that liberated her from a normal sense of obligation or rumination. Perhaps that "something" is self-confidence, or perhaps it is a tumbler of blended rum for breakfast. Either way, I'm glad for it, because without women and men like this we'd never have great expressions like, "YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, ASSHOLE!" and "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, BITCH!" and "GOD BLESS AMERICA, COCK-STRANGLER!!" And that's a whole lot easier to get behind than a statement like "YOU SNOOZE, YOU PROBABLY LOSE, ALTHOUGH THERE IS CERTAINLY EXCELLENT VALUE IN BED-REST. JUST MAKE SURE TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP, UNLESS YOU'RE NOT FEELING ESPECIALLY WELL, IN WHICH CASE RENTING A COUPLE OF MOVIES COULD BE FUN, CRAM-HOLE!"

WE FIRST MET ON 08.27.2004

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read the archives, please. does that make me gay? meet the author, more or less. this is the email link you were perhaps looking for