"Two slacker morgue workers, Motown and Darius, are desparate to win the KHIP HOP 3on3 Streetball Tournament. The problem is, they can never seem to find anyone to play on their team. But when a fellow morgue worker, Franklin, creates a huge Frankenstein type creature, Motown and Darius think they've struck streetball gold." (synopsis for Frankenhood, directed by Damon "Coke" Daniels. Coming soon from Lion's Gate Films.)
WHAT CAN I EXPECT TO SEE IN FRANKENHOOD?
1: Even though it is not an essential ingredient to playing streetball, Franklin, the morgue worker, will nonetheless find a very large black penis for his Frankenstein type creature. (And yes, when Frankenstein type creature is brought to life, someone will refer to it as "Franklin-stein.")
2. The aforementioned large penis will be the subject of several "outrageous" jokes, including one where Franklin proudly reveals the penis (off-camera) to Darius and Motown, who then bug out their eyes in disbelief.
3. And another where a woman, upon seeing the Frankenstein type creature's penis, does one of the following:
- waves hand in front of face and then faints (old lady, white lady)
- tries to grab it roughly or hit it with a broom (korean lady)
- salivates greedily (ho)*
*bonus points if the woman who salivates greedily is very fat and ugly**
**double bonus points if the woman who salivates greedily is old***
***quadruple bonus points if the woman is a flamboyantly gay man
4. An overweight/unattractive woman will want to have sex with the Frankenstein type creature, and will not let it drop!*
*bonus points if overweight/unattractive woman tricks Frankenstein type creature into having sex in a very dark room, or traps him into having sex through the following directions in the script:
FRANKENSTEIN TYPE CREATURE ENTERS HOTEL ROOM, WHICH IS EMPTY. HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS HAND—A NOTE THAT READS, "EMERGENCY BASKETBALL PRACTICE TONIGHT, 9PM. HONEYPOT HOTEL, ROOM 69." JUST AS HE BEGINS TO REGISTER CONFUSION ABOUT THE LACK OF A BASKETBALL COURT IN THIS ROOM AND THE PRESENCE OF A KING-SIZED BED AND SEVERAL LIT CANDLES, HE HEARS A VOICE BEHIND HIM.
I see you got my invitation.
FRANKENSTEIN TYPE CREATURE WHIPS AROUND TO SEE:
CRAZY FAT LADY, dressed in revealing negligee. She is using her considerable bulk to barricade the only door in or out of the room.
CUT TO: INSERT SHOT
Various deadbolts, chain locks, etc. being locked in rapid succession.
FRANKENSTEIN TYPE CREATURE
CRAZY FAT LADY
You all mine now, you big, delicious thing. I hope you aren't diabetic because you about to eat 350 pounds of raw brown sugar.
ENDING A: Frankenstein type creature bugs eyes out as crazy fat lady flicks off the lights. Cut to: the next morning - Frankenstein type creature wakes up with bunion-covered lady feet in his face. The room is a wreck. We see empty bottles of champagne, half-eaten chickens on room service trays, fur-covered handcuffs, a riding crop, cans of whipped cream, and end on a large, empty container of WD-40. Frankstein type creature sneaks out of room. He is limping, and grimacing.
ENDING B: Frankenstein type creature busts through wall, leaving Frankenstein type creature shaped hole. As we peer through hole in wall, we see into the next room where two old or fat people are having sex loudly on the bed.
5. Frankenhood's Frankenstein type creature, like the legend that inspired it, will be afraid of fire. Specifically, the fire made by a lighter as a giant marijuana cigarette is being ignited for consumption. However, unlike its namesake, this particular Frankenstein type creature will learn to "cool out" by getting very high. And please remember that when Frankenstein type creatures get high it's not the same as regular people. It's much A) crazier, B) funnier, C) nastier, and D) hip-hop. In other words, yes, while he's high he will hear some doo-doo talking to him.
6. And basketball highlights? Will there be any to look forward to? Well... if you consider a scene in which the Frankenstein type creature slams a basketball so hard that he breaks the rim, backboard, and entire support structure for the basketball hoop, causing everyone on the court to say, "daaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmn" something to look forward to, then I guess the answer would be a resounding "YES!"
7. Finally, here's a question we have been getting a LOT lately: "What are the Frankenstein type creature's special powers, other than his ability to ball?" You're going to be pleasantly surprised, because in addition to a kind of super-athleticism, this Frankenstein type creature possesses super-strength, super-speed, super-dancing, and super-boning.