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As my holiday gift to other upstart film critics, looking to shake things up with an oblique, pithy assessment of a film they probably haven't even seen, I submit the following public-domain reviews of Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World.

  • See sick.
  • Ship wreck.
  • Naut good.
  • More anchor, less stanker.
  • Interminable naval gazing.
  • Crowe's messed.
  • Man over-bored.
  • Shallow end.
  • Crap-sized.
  • Ketch it on cable.
  • Shit's ahoy!
  • Too many buoys.
  • Sea suck.
  • Unfathomable.
  • Mizzenmast? More like Snoozin-fast!!
  • Peter Weir should keel himself.
  • You'll heave, ho.
  • Headstay, mind wander.
  • A hollow vessel full of bland seamen.
  • Master & Commander teaches us we've been wrong all along. The world IS flat.

WE FIRST MET ON 11.17.2003

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