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HOW TO ESCAPE CERTAIN PERIL.

You just emerged from a blackout. You are disoriented, slightly vertiginous, your skull pounding, the room barely in focus. This confuses you. Then, moments later, you hear the sound of a lone man's booming voice shouting, "IT AIN'T ROCK-N-ROLL IF IT AIN'T LOUD!!!" Everything suddenly becomes clear. You've just been kidnapped by Ted Nugent.

The most important thing to remember now is not to panic. Ted Nugent is a physically powerful man, yes, probably stronger than you, and likely armed with at least a Bowie knife, saltpeter, a velvetine bag of enchantments, and a lightweight crossbow, so do not try to take him down. Doing so will only end this on his terms.

Knowing the identity of your captor is crucial to your escape. First, this knowledge eases your state of peril, helping to dissipate some of the terror associated with believing your whereabouts are a complete mystery. That earned calm buys you time to plan an exit strategy. And this is where a little patience can really pay off.

Since you've been kidnapped by Ted Nugent, do not make your move until he starts playing "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang." This opportunity might not present itself until late into his set, possibly as an encore, and may require enduring several mawkish, remedially patriotic ballads. Empty your mind, and sit tight. Wait for it. Now, when Ted Nugent wonders, loudly, if there's "any sweet poontang in the audience," do not answer. This question is rhetorical. It is not for you, no matter how sweet you believe your poontang to be. Instead, use the question as the starting gun to your crawl to freedom.

Slowly, and with caution, proceed to the nearest EXIT sign. If you can't see any signs if is a sackcloth bag over your head, for instance, or if your eyes are bound by a Damn Yankees bandana just follow the scent of venison chili. This aroma will lead you toward the exit. On the other side lies the relative safety of the Kentucky State Division Three Invitational Chili Cook-Off that has organized Ted's concert. Do not exit yet. Wait a moment longer.

When Ted Nugent unfurls a giant Confederate flag in the middle of "Wang Dang.." that's when you make your move. The crowd will be on its feet, saluting the flag, and you can use their natural cover as you inch toward the exit. THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, and will remain the decision point standing between you and your liberation. If you leave too soon, TED NUGENT WILL KILL YOU WITH A FLAMING ARROW.

However, if you hold your position until the Confederate flag comes out and it will come out you will be able to stay low, letting the audience block Ted Nugent's sight line. Ted will not shoot at his fans, because he knows they will, in all likelihood, shoot back. Exploit this weakness to your advantage.

On the outside, use your environment as social camouflage. Grab some chili the good kind, made by the Klan. Then, proceed to the parking lot, hotwire a Chevy (DO NOT HOTWIRE A FORD!), and drive to freedom. For Ted Nugent, the hunt never ends; for you, thank God, it just has.

WE FIRST MET ON 08.02.2004

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