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In observation of KING KONG DAY, I got FUCKED UP. I'm still recuperating, honestly, and it's mostly from eating a Double Kong Burger with an Empire State Sized Cherry Coke at Burger King.* The Kong Burger is basically a King Ralph Sandwich, but instead of putting cheese sauce on it, they just leave the burger in a room with Adrien Brody for fifteen minutes at a press junket.

If you order a "Double Kong" Adrien will come over to your table, or follow you back to work, and just "rap" with you while you eat. He mostly talked to me about dancehall reggae and said "no, you think you understand but you really can't understand." However, I've heard he is conversant in many other subjects, which was a skill he developed out of necessity with the BK internal marketing team and their advertising agency, Crispin Porter, as a tool to encourage repeat sales. For instance, other BK customers ordering the Double Kong might get to hear Adrien Brody tell them:

  • How, growing up around a lot of black people who lived near his performing arts high school, he was into rap music a long time before most people. ("Ever heard of Tim Dog?" he asked.)
  • Why he would totally go to the wall for Roman Polanski
  • What Halle Berry tastes like
  • The difference between "clowning" and "krumping" ("Krumping comes from a place of real aggression, you know," he'll say. "It's a much more honest art form. I totally respect how Miss Prissy and the Thundercats Krew are holding it down. In fact, I have a krumping zone in my new loft, in case I'm ever working some shit out and need to krump, knowhatimsayin'?")
  • Dub reggae
  • How the Holocaust was just a figment of the collective Jewish imagination
  • How to tell if you're eating "authentic" Soul food
  • Why slavery was wack
  • Sunflower oil and its health benefits over traditional canola
  • Asian poon
  • How the brontosaurus dinosaurs in Peter Jackson's KING KONG were not real, even though they probably look real when you see his character's reactions to them. ("As an actor, it's your job to make homeboys watching the movie, like, 'OH SNAP! LOOK AT THAT MUTHAFUCKA'S FACE. TELL ME THEM DINOSAURS AIN'T REAL!!")

The Double Kong Burger is more than most people can digest.

*Also, I drank a tub of gin and then threw my poop at a police officer. He hit me really hard with a stick. REALLY hard. Like, King Kong hard.

WE FIRST MET ON 12.07.2005

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