new writing in long forma proper archive for this site

i wonder if a study on successful artists has ever been conducted to determine what percentage of them had housepets. i have two female housecats and i find that their presence is nothing more than license to ignore all personal creative responsibilities. i can almost feel the ideas slipping away with each 'baby-talk' conversation i initiate with the cats.

i noticed this afternoon that i've actually worn a patch of fur down to the bare skin on one of my cats, from excessive petting. my screenplay remains unchanged. my book proposal remains incomplete. and all the while my cats benefit from perfectly - almost obsessively - groomed coats.

as i catch myself in the mirror, de-linting, it occurs to me that with my current feline situation i'm one pair of slippers away from being gay and one cat away from being a very old lady.
- I FELL APART AT 02:34 a.m. ON 6.30.2001


dear satan,

just wanted to thank you for everything.

yours,
vin diesel
- I FELL APART AT 03:58 p.m. ON 6.29.2001


i have been living in my neighborhood for over 5 years now, and i rarely get the sense that i'm a welcome regular anywhere. i attribute this to two things: first, i don't really frequent any single place, nor do i purchase the exact same thing at the places i frequent infrequently. and second, i generally wear a disguise each time i go out in my neighborhood. one day it might be a simple false handlebar mustache; another day a full admiral's uniform.

yesterday, however, i went to pick up my dry cleaning (which included the aforementioned mustache and a custom-tailored caveman skin) and didn't have enough money to pay for it. i tried to use my credit card, but the establishment doesn't take Price Club Platinum. i sheepishly offered to return the next day to pick up my dry cleaning, not wishing to walk 3 blocks to the closest ATM. the dry cleaning proprietor waved a hand dismissively, while using the other to gesture to my freshly cleaned clothing hanging between us, and said, "you take. pay next time. you long time customer."

that's my new kung-fu name: Long-Time Customer.
- I FELL APART AT 11:13 a.m. ON 6.27.2001

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2001 todd levin
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