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SELF-ESTEEM TRAINING.
[AVAILABLE SINCE: 24 JULY, 2001]
I recently began attending a sketch-writing class, and the following
is an excerpt from my first assignment - the complete sketch is
a bit too unwieldy to include here. We were assigned to take a
personal pet peeve, write a character who embodies that particular
pet peeve, and place said character in a sketch. The pet peeve I chose
(which is indeed a personal one, but was definitely borrowed
from a friend
for this assignment):
schadenfreude junkies - people who says things like 'sucks to
be you'. I hope the sketch is funny onscreen.
******
SCENE: A WELL-APPOINTED PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE. MR. ONE, A MIDDLE-AGED,
HEAVYSET MAN IS DRESSED CONSERVATIVELY BUT CASUALLY, IN A V-NECK
SWEATER, WOOL SLACKS, AND LOAFERS. NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HIS APPEARANCE,
EXCEPT FOR THE WHITE BANDAGE WRAPPED AROUND HIS LEFT HAND. PRESENTLY,
MR. ONE IS RECLINING ON A LEATHER UPHOLSTERED COUCH AS MR. TWO
(VISIBLE FROM ONLY THE WAIST UP) OBSERVES HIM FROM BEHIND A LARGE
ANTIQUE DESK. MR. TWO IS SLIGHTLY YOUNGER, BEARDED AND BESPECTACLED,
AND WEARING A TWEED BLAZER, SHIRT, AND TIE. WE JOIN THEM IN THE
MIDDLE OF THEIR SESSION.
MR. TWO:
Let's move on, shall we? Now, you took a vacation last
weekend to your home in (mechanically fumbles with papers on the
desk, as if this action will trigger his own memory), uh, Sag
Harbor. I'm eager to hear how that was.
MR. ONE:
Oh yes, we spent the weekend in the home on Sag Harbor. Well, it was
very relaxing, actually, despite the rain.
MR. TWO:
Oh dear, that's right. Ouch - rain. Now tell me - did you find that to be
very disappointing?
MR. ONE:
Um, no. I wouldn't say 'disappointing'. It did require me to reschedule
some of the weekend's activities but altogether --
MR. TWO:
Right, yes. And by reschedule you mean, 'cancel',
right? In other words, no badminton. No Frisbee. No hiking.
MR. ONE:
Yes, but -
MR. TWO:
No volleyball. No swimming. No horseshoes.
No mumblety-pegs.
MR. ONE:
Yes - well no. What are mumblety-pegs,
exactly?
MR. TWO:
Good game.
(makes a quick note on a piece of paper, with his eyes trained
on MR. ONE the entire time)
The point is - and I only mean this as a way of helping you, understand
- do you sometimes feel as though perhaps it sucks to be you?
MR. ONE:
Of course not! It was just a bit of rain. Why would I think such a thing?
MR. TWO:
Yes, why indeed. You mean to tell
me that there wasn't a single moment when, as you sat in your
cramped summer home watching staticky reruns of 'Riptide' on your
13-inch black and white television set and dreaming of a long,
sunny afternoon filled with mumblety-pegs and jack straws, you
hadn't considered even for a moment that your life must be terribly
cursed?
MR. ONE:
No, not at all. I had an excellent time with my family. As I said,
very relaxing.
MR. TWO:
Well, it sounds terrible to me. That's all. I'm just saying.
MR. ONE:
Can we move on? I'd really like to move
on now, please.
MR. TWO:
Yes, of course. If that's what you feel you need to do, yes.
Oh wait - one more thing: you mentioned you were with your family.
MR. ONE:
Yes, my wife -
MR. TWO:
(cutting him off, as if trying to impress MR. ONE with his sharp
memory skills)
Arlene!
MR. ONE:
Janet. And my two boys -
MR. TWO:
(tapping a pencil to his head, trying to expertly recall the names)
Tiberius….and….Hammerhead.
MR. ONE:
Michael and Paul.
MR. TWO:
Of course. Just like those two homosexual magicians.
MR. ONE:
Siegfried and Roy?
MR. TWO:
Precisely!
MR. ONE:
No, Those names are entirely different. My children's names are Michael
and Paul, and those magician's names are Siegfried and Roy.
They don't sound anything alike.
MR. TWO:
Not to you, I would imagine. But I'm
sure it's been very difficult on their childhoods. My point being,
you mentioned you were in Sag Harbor with your (makes quotation
mark gesture) "family". I find that piece of information quite
fascinating, given Sag Harbor's reputation as one of the premier
vacation destinations for homosexual men on the make. Men not
unlike those two magicians, Michael and Paul.
MR. ONE:
I have never heard that.
MR. TWO:
Hmm…how does it make you feel?
MR. ONE:
How does what make me feel?
MR. TWO:
Spending time at a well-known international gay destination in
the company of a just-for-show family, in the middle of a
torrential hurricane, knowing you cannot sample the forbidden
tastes of this homosexual paradise. On a scale of "pathetic"
to "extremely pathetic", how does that make you feel? Wait.
Let me guess: "abysmally inadequate."
MR. ONE:
We played Uno. That was fun.
MR. TWO:
And you lost?
MR. ONE:
I won. The third game.
(holds up his bandaged hand and indicates three fingers)
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